Federal Reserve to launch OMG monetary policy initiative as replacement for quantitative easing - LOL (satire)
Unable to obscure the fact that "quantitative easing" is really just counterfeit money printing that will inevitably lead to monetary debasement and a rejection of the dollar as the global reserve currency, the Federal Reserve has announced a bold new monetary policy initiative with a brand new name: OMG.
The Fed's "OMG" policy consists of:
Instead of merely a few hundred billion dollars in fiat currency creation that was pursued under "quantitative easing," the new OMG policy will be measured in trillions of dollars.
"The problem with the Fed's previous money creation policies," said a random reporter on CNBC whose name doesn't matter because they all parrot the same exact thoughts, "is that it never went far enough. We need trillions with a 'T' not billions with a 'B'. Billions are for losers. Trillions are for winners!"
It's not yet clear exactly how many trillions will be created under the Fed's OMG program. Asked that very question, Kansas City Federal Reserve chairperson Steve Maestas explained, "OMG is the only way to tackle these monetary challenges head-on, to make sure we don't end up needing to roll out our ROFL initiative."
ROFL stands for Recursive Opportunistic Fiscal Laundering, and it involves the world's central banks starting wars in multiple countries all at once so that banks can reap profits on lending to nations that are forced to rebuild their cities after the bombing raids.
"Wars are good for the economy," explained Homer Simpson NYT Keynesian economics torch-bearer Paul Krugman.
"WTF" co-initiative to improve wages, tariffs and futures
Along with the OMG fiscal policy, the Fed is also gearing up to simultaneously release its WTF co-initiative, which stands for:
Together, the two policies were announced by President Obama on social media with this tweet: "I LOVE the Federal Reserve's new policies - OMG WTF!"
Former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan chimed in on the announcement, saying, "I always knew money printing would ultimately come down to OMG and WTF. It's about time they named it appropriately."
Trend Research' Gerald Celente also approved of the names. "Every time I read the Fed's plan, I immediately think to myself OMG, WTF? And then pretty soon I'm ROFL."
LOL backup plan to create enormous liquidity... just in case
Just in case OMG and WTF don't create the desired effect, the Federal Reserve's next emergency plan will be aggressively rolled out as quickly as possible. It's called LOL:
"Our LOL initiative will kick in wherever OMG and WTF don't get the job done," explained Federal Reserve chairwoman Janet Yellen.
"I've always thought the Fed's policies were already LOL," added Ron Paul, who congratulated the Fed on "finally discovering some honest names for their disastrous monetary policies."
When his son, U.S. Sen. Rand Paul contacted Yellen to ask if Congress could audit the Fed, the reply came back as simply, "LOL."
At a recent congressional subcommittee hearing, when Janet Yellen was asked to explain the Fed's monetary policy in plain language, she replied, simply, "OMG. WTF? LOL!" Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton applauded Yellen's statement, explaining, "That's exactly the same policy we used in Benghazi, and it worked great!"
The Fed's final policy? TEOTWAWKI
Should OMG, WTF, LOL and ROFL fail to rescue the world's economics, the Fed has one final emergency plan to put in place: TEOTWAWKI.
This plan stands for:
Totalitarian Electronically-Operated Total Worldwide Asset Wasteland Kill Initiative
This plan centers around all the world's big banks unleashing custom stuxnet trojan horse malware onto their own data networks, resulting in the wholesale theft of customer accounts, investment funds, retirement funds and stock ownership... all of which will magically end up in the hands of the Rockefellers.
In exchange for having their assets confiscated, account holders will each be issued one of the more than two billion bullets recently stockpiled by the Department of Homeland Security, with instructions to download a 3D-printable gun design from Defense Distributed (www.DefDist.org), print out a gun, load the bullet, and kill yourself "to help balance the budget by reducing the growth of entitlements."
Those who have an aversion to guns and bullets are instead instructed to find the nearest CVS pharmacy and request a vaccination shot, which has nearly the same outcome, only slower.
The public LOVES the new initiatives!
Actual tweets from enthusiastic American voters and Obama supporters:
"Now it all makes sense! Make WTF money because liquidity and balance economy! ROFL thank you Yellen I love you keep yellin!"
"Every time I look at my paycheck stub, I think OMG WTF? Now, finally, the Fed is getting the same message!"
"Stupid Fed ending QE causing stagflation! WTF save us. we need more dollars LOL!"
"OMG why did it take so long for the Fed to finally announce WTF?"
"I used to think TEOTWAWKI was crazy talk. Now I realize it's brilliant fiscal policy. Go Fed!"
"When I heard the Fed's new plan, I thought to myself LOL, WTF? And then I realized those are the NAMES of the plans! So awesome!"
"Stupid Rand Pual!! Let Fed print money in peace! We shouldn't know what they're doing as long as they say it's working!"