By Wallyworld
While winter begins earlier in the Fall each year, as Winter itself brings record shattering cold and snowfall, and as Spring is ushered in with yet another blanket of that white stuff we call snow, I impatiently look forward to that rise in the earth's temperature Al Gore and his cult followers have been warning us about the past two decades. I know it hasn't arrived as suddenly and as devastatingly as they predicted. But let's hope it's coming soon because I sure don't want to experience the severe punishments Al and his cult are promising to inflict on us doubters. I keep hearing about how we are experiencing one of the warmest winters in centuries. I must be a complete imbecile to actually think it was really freaking cold this past winter. All that snow must have been caused by the rise in temperature, I guess. Silly me. But, didn't they say that was the cause when we had a winter without much snow a few years back? Well, burn me at the stake.
I often wonder how that search for the Northwest Passage through the melted Arctic is going? I bet they've made it through by now, don't you think? They're probably waiting for the right opportunity to tell us about it. What about those poor polar bears? It has been so warm that their population is five times the number it was just twenty years ago. I guess they have mastered the fine sport of swimming from melting iceberg to melting iceberg and managed to figure out a way to have sex as well while they were doing it. Got to give them credit for adapting to their new environment.
I'm still waiting for my front yard to turn into beachfront property as a result of the rising ocean levels. Somehow, I still manage to be able to walk along the same stretch of beach I've walked for the past 19 years without putting on my wading boots. I'm sure I'll be needing them soon enough. I hope they speed up the banning of fossil fuels as well. We don't need them any longer with all that warmth being created by exhaling CO2 and cows farting all that methane. I always wanted to learn how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, don't you? I'm sure wind farms are the answer. I Can't wait to put one up in my yard next to my cellphone tower.
Sometimes I wonder how the glaciers from the Ice Age melted way back before Al Gore was born. I think I figured it out. Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble stopped carpooling together as I recall seeing from an episode I watched one Saturday morning. The extra CO2 emissions must have done the trick. I sometimes wonder why there was a warming period during the Middle Ages when there were no cars or factories. It must have been from the burning of all that wood required to produce the new invention of distilled liquor. What else could it have been? I doubt the sun had anything to do with it.
So, as I sit here watching the latest batch of global warming fall outside my window this fine first day of Spring, I want to express my desire to see Al and his cultists win this debate. If they don't, we'll soon be singing Jingle Bells on the 4th of July as we cook burgers and dogs on the grill. Oh, yeah, I forgot, it will be illegal to have a cookout by then. New EPA standards going into effect to fight global warming. Stay warm you old vibes and thanks for putting up with my nonsense.
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