Be A Real American On Election Day!
By Chris Rossini
If you're going to vote, you might as well go all out today.
Be a real American from start to finish!
In other words, when you're finished standing in line and "making your voice heard," head on over to your local (crony) pharmacy and get your flu shot.
Once you're physically protected, it's time to work on the mental. Increase your "confidence" in the red, white, and blue, and dedicate yourself to spending your money today. No money? No problem! Just charge it.
Tuck your shopping bag (that's made out of wheat) into the back of your bicycle (which is sustainable transportation) and head to the nearest (equal opportunity) merchant. Make sure, upon entering, that the merchant has the correct percentage of women to men employed, and that they are of various races and sexual orientations.
Once the diversity test is mentally checked off your list, make sure that all proper licenses are displayed and clearly in your view. Next, pay attention for any shifty-eyed employees. They may have contracted to be getting paid less than the minimum wage, and it is your duty (as a freedom-loving American) to report that to the Labor Dept.
You can then proceed to spend your money and "create jobs" by that very act. Make sure to look specifically for Green products because your "carbon footprint" is top priority. Place your green products into your bag made out of wheat and proceed to the checkout counter.
Pay for your products with government-approved Federal Reserve Notes. Do not worry if the prices for your goods seem expensive because that's only an illusion. Inflation is less than 2%.
As you hand over your Federal Reserve Notes, ask the merchant what he is doing to make his business "more sustainable" and query him on any actions taken to improve his "social responsibility." Finally, ask him his position on gay marriage.
After payment is made, decline a paper receipt in order to save the trees, and head back out to your bicycle. It's now time to pick up your children from the government school. On your ride to the school, keep a watchful eye for anything suspicious. "If you see something, say something".
At the government school, reclaim your children and ask them if they liked saying the pledge of allegiance (again). Make sure the children have the proper helmets and padding on their knees and elbows as you all bike back home.
Wave to any police officers and firemen that you pass along the way. You don't have to wave to anyone else. However, with regards to everyone else, remember to always have a watchful eye. "If you see something, say something".
Upon arriving at home, it's time to prepare for the evening. Check your government food triangle, and plan your dinner. Remember, lots of carbohydrates. Then go over homework with the children. Make sure that they clearly understand that Lincoln saved the Union and FDR saved it again from capitalism.
After dinner, place all of the waste from your green products into the proper recycling bin. It's now time to relax and see what other Americans have been doing with their day. Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams will fill you in on everything you need to know.
At 8 o'clock it's time gather the children around the television to see who the new leaders will be. Explain to the children that voting is the reason why they are "free," and that we're all so lucky to have such a "sacred right". Also explain to them that there are American troops stationed everywhere on the planet, protecting that "sacred right". There are an endless number of bad guys out there who "hate us for our freedom."
Explain to the kids who specifically you voted for, and why. Let them know that even if "your guy" doesn't win, you'll gladly bend over and suffer any consequence that may come from "the other guy" winning. After all, "the people" have spoken, and the majority has a right to suppress the minority.
Once everyone is aware of the new leaders, it's time to head off to bed and to thank God for (once again) blessing America, the greatest land of freedom on Earth.