A Neocon Christmas Story: Uncle Santa is Comin' to Town!
By Jack Perry
Boy, our kid NATO is hard to buy for, have you noticed? It’s close to Christmas and, gosh, what are we going to give the kid that’s got everything? NATO’s already got all the great toys. He’s got the snazzy fighter planes, he’s got tanks, he’s got warships, he’s got nuclear weapons, what can we possibly give him that he doesn’t already have? I thought about a gift card for the ice cream parlor, but that just doesn’t seem to have enough pizzazz for the self-proclaimed defender of the free world. Hey, I know! Let’s give him Ukraine! That’ll be a crowd-pleaser! That’s a toy that’ll keep NATO entertained for years to come! Gee, why didn’t I think of that sooner? There’s still plenty of shopping days to get it, too! And NATO has already been hinting that Ukraine would be a great gift that would just keep right on giving, and giving, and giving…
Ukraine? Wouldn’t that be hard to come by? Well, yes, because there’s only a couple outlets that sell other countries, you know. The best place to get one is from the United States. Their customer service isn’t always the greatest, but the Pentagon has 24 hour tech support which no one else has. They don’t have a money-back guarantee, but that only applies to American taxpayers. What’s more, the United States will deliver a country right to your doorstep, via Regime Change Express, Next Day Airstrike at no extra charge. They’ve got a great selection to choose from, too. There’s Syria which will soon be available for purchase, they’re offering Iraq as a factory-refurbished option, but the country everyone wants this year is Ukraine. But then we’ve got a problem. Remember that 1970 kids Christmas flick, “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town”? Remember that guy Burgermeister Meisterburger? He banned toys in all the land and no one was allowed to play with toys. So, there was no Christmas allowed. Yeah, Vladimir Putin is Burgermeister Meisterburger in the eyes of the United States, spoiling everyone’s Christmas fun. Ukraine is the toy NATO wants, but Burgermeister Meisterburger banned those toys in Eastern Europe. Hey, no problem! Uncle Sam has a new gig! He’s now Uncle Santa! And Uncle Santa has got it covered!
Secretary of State John Kerry almost gave away the Yuletide surprise in a Christmas story he told to NATO. “In one way or another, we have been tested repeatedly by those who want to divide us, or to cause us to retreat from the basic commitments that we have made to one another — both within and beyond the NATO arena,” Kerry said. “These tests are difficult, and they will continue to be difficult in the new year. But history has shown just how tough the alliance of free nations can be.” NATO is already hanging his stocking by the chimney with care. The 28 NATO member countries approved a new interim quick-reaction military force to protect themselves from Burgermeister Meisterburger, too. An initial unit will up and running next year, NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg said, and the interim force will be supplanted in 2016 by a permanent one. NATO is digging in his heels—he won’t settle for less than Ukraine this Christmas season. It’s also heartwarming to see Secretary of State John Kerry already forging ahead with a New Year’s Resolution to create the possibility of another world war.
So, you see? Ukraine is the perfect gift! NATO has already started re-arranging his room to make space for it! Uncle Santa won’t let Burgermeister Meisterburger stand in his way! Burgermeister Meisterburger can threaten all he wants, but Uncle Santa is coming to town. And Uncle Santa is not to be trifled with. Thanks to internet and email eavesdropping, he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been what he defines as bad or good, so be good for national security’s sake.
Burgermeister Meisterburger warned in a song, “It’s a very difficult responsibility. That I accept to be Russia’s number one lawmaker, me. Have it known from the Atlantic to the Bering Sea. There will be no Ukraine for NATO by my decree!” Awww….!!! What are we gonna do now, Uncle Santa? Burgermeister Meisterburger won’t let NATO have, much less play with Ukraine! Not to worry, kids. Uncle Santa turned his sleigh into a B-52 bomber and is going to conduct massed heavy bomber exercises over the Great Plains to get ready to keep Ukraine away from Burgermeister Meisterburger. We won’t let him spoil Christmas!
Yes, that’s right, kids. The USAF (Uncle Santa’s Air Force) is getting ready to conduct low-level bombing exercises over Montana and the Dakotas using massed B-52s, B-1s, air refuelling tankers, and fighter escorts. That’s exactly what Uncle Santa needs to take out a massed Burgermeister Meisterburger army on the Ukrainian border. We can’t use tactical nuclear weapons to take them out like we would have done during the Cold War. So, we had to do a little “thinking outside of the box” and came up with the idea of massed heavy bombers coming in under the radar and catching them with their pants down. It’s gonna work, really. Burgermeister Meisterburger will never see them coming. There’s his army on the border of Ukraine, the bombers fly in under the radar, and drop hundreds of tons of bombs on them, and that settles that once and for all. Might as well start wrapping Ukraine now and putting a nice, shiny red bow on it. It’ll work, trust me. Look how well our air campaign has been working in Syria against ISIS. Look how well our war went in Iraq. Look how well we did in Afghanistan. How can this not work? I mean, just because Burgermeister Meisterburger has a huge army, air force, navy, and nuclear weapons unlike Iraq, Afghanistan, and ISIS doesn’t mean anything! Our bomber crews will be home in time to sing “Frosty The Snowman” and have a glass of eggnog! Rudolph The Red-Nosed F-22 Raptor will be leading them through the snow to victory! Just like all the resounding, cakewalk victories America has scored over the past 13 years!
Uncle Santa might have to fight to get Ukraine put together, but what Christmas never had a little snag in assembling the toy under the tree on Christmas Eve? “Dang it! Ukraine didn’t come with batteries! I hope the store is open! Why can’t they include batteries in these things? Just like Iraq, no batteries included! And it fell apart not two days after Christmas! Yeah, little things they don’t print on the box big enough. Hopefully, the assembly instructions are in English.” Here, Uncle Santa, let me see the box Ukraine came in for a minute. Hmmmm…it says, ‘Massive Defense Spending And World War Required, Batteries Not Included, Ukraine Is Not Recommended For NATO Or Other Children, Severe Choking Hazard.’ Hey, Uncle Santa, it says right here on the box this toy might not be a good idea for NATO. I don’t think we better give it to him. What if he chokes to death on it? Let’s see if we can catch the toy store before they close and get NATO a couple board games instead. You know, maybe Risk and Stratego. NATO will like those. “Oh, don’t be silly! You’re being an alarmist! How will little NATO hold up his head if the other kids think he couldn’t have Ukraine because you were afraid he’d get hurt? Stop coddling him! Cut the apron strings! He’s got to grow up sometime! NATO is a big boy now! What are you paying him an allowance for if he’s not going to be a big boy?! Let him be a big boy now, mow the yard, do the dishes, and fight a cataclysmic war just like a big boy!”
“NATO is gonna love Ukraine! Can’t you already see the smile on his little face? Gee, it warms my heart just to think about it.” Hopefully, we haven’t underestimated this Burgermeister Meisterburger fellow, Uncle Santa. What if he decides to enforce that decree he was singing about, you know, not to play with Ukraine? “Oh, stop worrying already! It’s Christmas! What do you want me to do? NATO got tired of playing with Afghanistan. It kind of lost its sparkle. That’s last year’s toy. NATO’s getting older, he wants more expensive toys. Ukraine is really going to cost you a bundle but, NATO’s got to have it or it just won’t be Christmas.” Uhhh…Santa? What about the Christmas goose? “Oh, don’t worry, our goose will get cooked. I mean, uh, that is, never mind. Uh…look! It’s snowing!” You sure that’s snow, Uncle Santa, and not fallout?