Study Finds Firearms May Be Inanimate Objects
by Jack "Guns" McGee
A scientific study that concluded the day before Christmas Eve found that guns may actually be inanimate objects with no will of their own. The highly controversial results were published today in Scientific Log, a leading journal in the scientific community, and has already drawn disbelief and criticism from top gun control proponents.
The study placed a collection of 240 firearms in a large room outfitted with a bulletproof observation window which allowed the scientists to monitor the firearms 24/7 for over four months. The collection of firearms included assault rifles, semi automatic pistols, hunting rifles, and BB guns while the control group, housed in another similar room, consisted of comically proportioned wooden dummy guns. The room was filled with cardboard cutouts of people, animals, and inanimate objects like cars and movie theaters to see which victims certain guns were likely to target.
The study was intended to provide data for future firearm restrictions in the state of New York and was to be used to decide which firearms to make wildly illegal.
The results, however, took an odd turn says Bob Clementine, the lead researcher and grant manager of the project. “We found very similar results with the most evil looking gun as we did with the funny looking dummy guns. A gun, regardless of it’s type, appears, by all scientific and measurable standards, to be inanimate and doesn’t seem to be capable of evil or good.” He says the only action recorded in the room were the oxidation of metal and dust gathering, both of which pose no threat to human lives and is “incredibly boring to watch.”
The research group has come up with several likely possibilities as to why the guns didn’t react violently to the cardboard cutouts. Clementine says that guns may require an outside force to make them shoot but more likely, he says, it’s because the guns didn’t sense any fear. “Guns feed on fear and panic,” he says, “and cardboard generally doesn’t exhibit any of those emotions.” He adds that more research, along with more big ticket federally funded grants, will be required to reach any definite conclusion.